We Want Your Divorce Story
Divorce stories are a powerful way to heal yourself and help others. Divorce Magazine invites you to submit your divorce story to us through the comment box below.
In addition, from time to time, we will excerpt some stories and publish them in our printed Divorce Magazine.
About your submission
1. Please submit your story through the comment box below. Please keep your story between 400-600 words. You can submit as many stories as you like.
3. Do not write anything that will jeopardize your divorce case.
4. By submitting your story, you agree to allow us to publish it in Divorce Magazine and www.DivorceMagazine.com. We do not offer compensation and reserve the right to edit your story.
This is intended as an opportunity for you to authentically express, share, inspire and help your self and others heal. Your divorce story can be instructive, reflective, poetic or hard-edged — or simply an account of what happened and how you felt.
You will find my own divorce story below. I welcome your comments and look forward to reading your divorce story.
PS. If you have divorce art, please submit them to us on this blog as well: Submit Your Divorce Art.
My Own Divorce Story: Turning Lemons into Lemonade
On reflection, I can say with humility – and no small amount of amazement – that my divorce has affected not just my life, but millions of lives for the better, because it gave birth to Divorce Magazine and www.DivorceMagazine.com.
But I can only say this with the benefit of hindsight. Sixteen years ago when I separated, things were pretty rough. I was confused, scared, hurt, and the last thing on my mind was to publish a magazine on divorce. Frankly, like most divorcing people, my goal was one thing: survival, day by day.
When my ex-wife said “I want a divorce,” I was in total shock. I actually didn’t believe it at first. I thought she would change her mind. But, in a fog of disbelief, I moved out of our home, which meant leaving behind my 4 and 9-year old boys.
The Emotional Roller Coaster Ride Begins
The first thing I experienced was just how much I missed having my family in my life. Coming home at the end of the day to “nobody” was very hard to get used to. It was extremely difficult to deal with the fact that I was only able to see our kids every other weekend. Like most of you, I was lost, disappointed, and emotional. But most of all, I was confused. I needed information that would help me make it through my divorce process, help me deal with my emotions, my sense of loss, the financial stress, and most importantly support me in being a father to our growing boys. I was determined to remain a good father and figured the best way to accomplish that was to have a peaceful divorce.
But 16 years ago, there was very little information on the subject of divorce, never mind quality information. There were no books on divorce, and definitely no magazines on this subject. And, the internet was at its infancy.
The Idea that Changed Everything
However, in the midst of that emotional turmoil and confusion, I had an idea that would change my life – and the lives of millions – forever: since I had been a publisher for most of my career, why couldn’t I provide divorcing people with information, support, resources and tools to make their experience more humane, compassionate, informed and peaceful?
I thought about that idea day and night. And with the encouragement of my then-girlfriend and now wife of 13 years, Divorce Magazine and www.DivorceMagazine.com was born.
That was in 1996 – nearly 15 years ago. Since then, we’ve printed over 4 million copies of Divorce Magazine, and welcomed over 10 million visits to www.DivorceMagazine.com.
But…Would it Work?
Though I can look back now and see how successful my idea was, I’ll admit that back then, I wasn’t so sure. Divorce was something people didn’t “talk about” much. Was the world ready for a publication boldly calling itself “Divorce Magazine”? Were there really many people out there who, just like me, desperately wanted timely and topical information to help survive divorce?
Fortunately, my apprehension was put to rest very quickly. The media fell in love with us, and we received massive amounts of press coverage throughout North America. The media delighted in discovering that I was the publisher of a magazine called “Wedding Bells”, stories about Divorce Magazine often began with the headline “From Wedding to Divorce.”)
Changing Personal and Professional Lives
However, much more gratifying and humbling than the business success of Divorce Magazine and DivorceMagazine.com, has been the incredible feedback we’ve received from divorcing people. We’ve heard from countless people from all over the world, and from all walks of life, who have told us that Divorce Magazine has helped them “change their life for the better.” I have to attribute my peaceful divore and post-divorce life to having read all the articles in Divorce Magazine.
Divorce, 16 Years Later
Going back to my personal divorce story (although as you see, my divorce story and the story about Divorce Magazine are really inter-twined), I’m very happy to say that my divorce was amicable, and our two sons – now 25 and 20 – are well-adjusted young men who weren’t caught in the “divorce crossfire” between two fighting parents. They have a healthy relationship with their mother, my wife and I.
I remarried 13 years ago. My wife is also my business partner. Both my wife and I are on good terms with my ex-wife and her new husband. It wasn’t easy creating this kind of healthy and humane after-divorce relationship with my ex, but it was well worth the effort, and I know that we’re both better people for our commitment, hard work, and understanding.
Turning Lemons into Lemonade
As you can see, my divorce story has taken some twists and turns. If I were to sum everything up with one statement, I would recall what my mother said to me a few years after my divorce: “Son, you have turned lemons into lemonade.”
For all of you who are going through a divorce, I hope you will strive for a peaceful divorce and know that you can create a new fulfilling life starting now.
Dan Couvrette, father of two boys, remarried, CEO and Publisher of Divorce Magazine and www.DivorceMagazine.com.
Categories: 
Tags: 
Once upon a time, I was a happily married mother of a 5 year old son and wife to my very own Prince Charming. . Unfortunately however, my Prince Charming turned out to be more like a frog than a Prince. We went through the usual steps of counseling, separation, anger, hurt and ultimately, as I’m sure many women have felt, I simply began wishing he would just get hit by a bus. Our divorce was finalized after two years of pure hatred, name calling, playing “This Is Mine, You Can Keep That”, and paying barrels of money to our lawyers who loved us for basically covering their mortgages each month.
Fast forward another year when I was out visiting my 90 year old grandmother in rural Mississippi. This wonderful lady has only a high school education and lives in a town so small that the library and the city hall are held in the same room. However, she has to be one of the smartest people alive and has enough common sense to put Stephen Hawkins to shame. As usual, I was griping about some stupid thing my ex- husband had done when she looked at me and said, “Why do you hate him so much? You were best friends until you divorced.” “WELL”, I began, “He did this, and this, and this…and I CAN’T STAND HIM.” Pitifully, she just shook her head and looked at me and said “You’re divorced. You don’t love him. He doesn’t love you. But you have a small child together and you need to stop acting so selfish and start acting like parents. Forgive him and move on.”
Ok. Let me tell you that when your grandmother (who normally has you on a pedestal and thinks you can do absolutely nothing wrong) begins to notice that you’ve become nothing more than a griping whiner, you have to really look at yourself.
So upon returning home, I called my ex and we decided we needed to try to work out his – I mean our “communication” issues. We decided to meet at the local library because we figured we would not be able to yell and throw things at each other there. Although we had never argued in front of our son, we realized that if we wanted to bring up a good, well rounded child, we would need to stop the constant complaining and arguing. The plan worked.
The bottom line is this: You don’t have to be friends. You don’t even have to LIKE each other. But if you have kids you must remember one thing: Love your kids more than you hate your ex. That’s a bitter pill to swallow but if you realize that you love your kids more, then you can do anything. You can get over it. You can forgive and move on. Life’s too short to be living like the Exorcist.
We are going to be celebrating our son’s birthday soon and he has decided on a “Paintball Party”, where all of the guests have guns filled with little balls of paint, and you run around shooting paint at each other. I am very much looking forward to what I consider to be a therapeutic event and I may even suggest it to marriage counselors for one main reason…Although we are good friends now, my ex-husband and I will both be participating in the party and I cannot wait to get out on that field and hunt him down. I mean, seriously, friend or not, where else can you shoot your ex-husband and get away with it?
Thank you for sharing your divorce story.
The Bitterness of Betrayal
Betrayal rolls off your tongue like an exquisite dish but it’s more like a razor sharp sword that slices so deep to the core of your being. Its blade is so sharp that you’ve been wounded to the core and don’t even realize it ‘til the blood starts gushing out in waves of agony. Every time your heart beats, the blood sprays through the air- more and more lifeless you become with every passing breath. I can feel the life slowly leaving my body. What do I do? Have I, even I, cut this deep and never realized the pain I’ve caused. Me- this barren housewife with all these big dreams, hopes and aspirations, but under every rock I turn, enters more sadness and desperation. I am just a little girl in a big girl’s body that grew up way too fast.
Now I remember. I’ve been cut like this before – when my father left and walked out the door. Now, the husband of my youth has chosen another over me. Little me! All I wanted was to love and be loved but instead – BETRAYAL!
When you have felt the sting of bitterness or the backlash of rejection it can leave a deep scar, a wound that is so often disguised by a half-smile or a seemingly cordial glance, but all the while is creating a blackness of the heart and soul that only God can heal. Many people have experienced rejection from estranged parents, relationships, divorce and many other subtle areas that go unnoticed. As one bitter situation after another tries to envelop you, while below the surface a root begins to entwine itself around the soul. A root of bitterness that will defile you and everything you touch.
It will cause more and more self-rejection to surface as walls are built around you to protect you from the pains of the past. Who wants to endure more pain? Who can bear to withstand the pressures of life? Before you know it you are in your own lonely dark cave where no one can help. Everyone and everything is beyond your grasp, but God!
Our loving Father takes the battering ram of His love and comes to rescue His babies. He refuses to leave you alone in the cave of your despair. He floods your heart with love and laughter and joy that you may have only known in a fleeting moment in the past. But now a new day is upon you. Will you let Jesus Christ sit on the throne of your heart and flood you with the love, joy and peace that you long for? Let Him love you to health and wholeness. Let the root of bitterness be destroyed and consumed in God’s fire, for God is a consuming fire.
You don’t have to live behind the walls that you built that you thought would protect you from hurts and pains, but have only kept you locked away from the love that you desire. Before you run into the arms of another, let the love of Jesus Christ restore you back to life. No man or woman can bring the satisfaction that you long for. Wait in the presence of the Lord and be healed in Jesus’ name!
Natasha
I appreciate you sending in your story.
“I think we should get a divorce!”, my wife said in a calm voice.
“I agree”, I answered.
I then got up and walked out of the room. No yelling, no throwing vases or anything else that you see on TV. From then on I staying in the spare bedroom until I could get a place of my own. The children had no idea until the day I moved them into my new house.
I refused to take anything from the old house. I did not want the children to miss stuff from Mom’s house or not have enough at Dad’s house. I went into extreme debt thinking that was the thing to do.
The kids handled it great. I was handling it great on the outside! Inside, I felt like a failure. Don’t get me wrong, I was so relieved when she said she wanted a divorce. I wanted one desperately for several years, but I would never ask. I guess it was my Catholic upbringing.
The divorce went easy. We got one lawyer and she was supposed to be neutral. I learned that was not the case. My ex got everything. The house and everything inside free and clear, a child support check (even though she made more money), the schedule she wanted. It was easy as long as I agreed to everything.
Not wanting the headaches or fighting, I just gave in. I was wrong. I did get the children 35% of the time, but I wanted more. I wanted half. My ex disagreed and even started taking time away from me.
I fell in love again and got remarried. My new wife said I should fight for my kids; I should make a stand. So we did.
We hired a lawyer and our goal was to get 50/50 custody and not pay my ex so much money.
My lawyer was said to be one of the best (it sure cost like she was!) I met with her, told her I wanted 50/50 and to not have to pay so much to my ex-wife. I also wanted a set schedule and a fixed amount of support, so I would not be “surprised” by my ex’s bills for me at the end of each month.
Several 1000’s of dollars later, I had no more time with the children, I had to pay more per month. I had to go through Mediation and be told I was a loser and a dead-beat dad, and did not know what was best for the children. How do you defend that? I was blindsided and very frustrated with the system.
I also had to go through co-parenting counseling and be told that I need to communicate with my ex-wife better. What she wanted was me to agree to everything. I stopped agreeing and started to fight for my kids.
I only wish I started off that way. I only wish that I wasn’t so giving and cooperative in the beginning. I am now paying for it. With less time with my children and less money for my family.
I work in the law enforcement field, so I see the tragedies of divorce on the children every day. It is sad. And yet, I was blind to the fact that the same meanness was happening to me. Divorce is ugly, especially when their are children involved. Don’t take the easy way out. Fight from the start. Fight for yourself, fight for your kids.
Getting over divorce is the most difficult ordeal anyone has to bear. Common thoughts on men about their coping abilities from the situation are sometimes bias from women’s point of view. Dealing with all the legal issues and confronting your ex spouse about the matter is unavoidable and the need to resolve things faster and in the most civil way is always the goal. The result may not be as smooth sailing as expected but we tend to miss those small details which can be a cause for a bigger problem in the future. A lot of couples still facing this kind of issue. Thanks for posting your story Mike. What you’ve just shared teaches us many things about divorce.
Your blog has made me think about an argument from another perspective. This is absolutely rare when I change my idea about such questions but it looks that you’ve done it. The day has begin with something new! Thank you!
Thank you for writing this divorce story.
Your post is very interesting. I’ve read your blog for few days now and I trully enjoy your blog. Thank you for your great work!
Some genuinely nice stuff on this web site , I enjoy it.
Awesome work! Keep posting good material.
I advise all my girlfriends to leave their men…marriage is horrible and men are horrible
That door swings both ways!!!!
Deb, that is quite a sweeping statement/thought. You have just written off half the poplulation on earth! I sense there might have been some hurt and anger from from some bad experiences, however I suspect this thought does not empower you or your freinds.
TAKING MY POWER BACK
The events of this particular evening shocked me to the point of taking drastic action and yet in some ways no different than many other arguments in our relationship. For me, however, it was the straw that broke the camels back. I was asking and demanding to know where my then husband (Wasband) was and why he did not call me being out half the night. I was told that it was none of my business and eventually he blurted out that he was sleeping with another woman. It was not a heartfelt confession coming from shame and burden or even wiping the slate clean to get honest. He yelled it at me. I chose to marry an alcoholic and I often got in the way of his “fun.” It was always a problem in our 13 year relationship. No matter how many rebirths we went through, including 3 years of sobriety, I could no longer move forward in this marriage. It was not fair to myself or our son who was only a year and half at this point.
So, I went upstairs and I sat alone in my brother’s apartment with my thoughts and the clarity of “this is it.” I knew that I needed to take action. I demanded that he leave our home and he refused. At this stage, he was non-responsive to my emotional reactions. I called my Mom and was in tears. I suddenly felt like a child again and my whole world was falling apart. I was in complete surrender. I did not have many words of explanation for my Mom when I called her. I recall just blurting out through my tears of surrender that “I can’t do this anymore; can I come home?” I had no answers and I had no idea about anything. I recall simply looking at the upcoming week. I had a short term plan . . . to get myself and my son out of that house and back “home.” I took my power back in that moment and continued to do so for 3 years until the divorce was final. I will never give my power away again.
DIVORCED: SO WHAT, NOW WHAT?
It took a long time to answer this question. I went from feeling like my divorce was the biggest failure in my life to it being my biggest accomplishment. I now know that it was necessary to support me in the best life I am creating now. Fast forward 7 years and I am now a home owner, an Assessor for my local town and a Relationship Coach supporting others to find their “now what” after their divorce; and help them find their new course. I am to publish my first book this year and am live passionately in a way I never could have imagined before. I encourage everyone to to take their power back. You will survive and you will be more than ok. I promise you; if you show up in life powerfully, Great things will happen. It is a process to find your way out and to the other side and every person’s story is different. I now lead support groups in my area and I find that just taking the first step is key. Just keep moving forward!
With heartfelt encouragement and hope ~ Christine.
It is almost over. Not the longest marriage in history,7 yrs. No children, just a $140,000 insurance settlement for a fire that took my history. 2 houses, a few cars, a medical marijuama business, new furniture. It is coming to an end and I am told that I owe her $1300. I have less now than I came into the marriage with. We worked every evening and weekends to build a family.
I am now seerching the web, looking for anything that can help me appeal my case. The wife and I were getting right where we wanted in life. Houses both paid for, one for a rental income and the other the home of our dreams.Auto’s paid for, a old used boat, freebie camper, and my favorite a built in hot tub. It is her dream now, the business is probibly doing well, houses are paid for, all with new furniture.
I am 47 yrs. old and have my truck, an old boat, the camper, and some of my tools. I am renting a shack I can afford, and wondering what to do now. All I wanted was the burnt house and a little cash to make it close to even. To say she got the gold mine( medical marijuana business) and I got the shaft, hurts to much to say.
It turns out that divorce in Sanders county Montana is what they want it to be, not what would be fair.-Terry
I would like to present my story to you for possible inclusion to your magazine. My late husband was found in a burning car in the backroads of San Diego in the early morning hours of July 16th, 2010. This in itself was horrible enough but the real story behind his suicide by fire is even more bizarre. The brief overview below will highlight the events that led up to that horrible night. Once you have reviewed it, I would be willing to speak with you or your editors about this case. I would like to share my story with other women who may still be living with deception and hope that it would be of interest to your readers. My hope is to reach out to other women who have been deceived and betrayed in similar ways. The pervasive and disturbingly simple ease in which my husband managed to keep his secret life hidden, may be an eye-opener for others. LM
I knew divorced people. Some I knew well – my parents, my brother, friends and others. I never really thought about the complete upheaval that occurred in their lives. I couldn’t have anticipated my response as I watched my marriage hit the homestretch.
The first serious incident occurred when my husband took me and his girlfriend on a Bermuda cruise with his colleagues and clients. Shortly thereafter, he abandoned our family on 12/31/99 to spend the first day of the new millennium with his mistress. Upon his return, I strongly recommended he leave the house. I prepared myself for this battle with a clipboard and checklist. I highlighted the overnight stay at the Four Seasons. With my list of allegations as my rationale, I told him it would be wise for him to move out peacefully. He thought time apart was needed to contemplate our future.
He thought about it for a couple of days. Then he filed for divorce on my birthday – two days after I persuaded him to find alternate housing. Unfortunately, this only fanned the flame. We were set to battle – and battle we did.
I insisted on getting even. My tactics varied but a consistent message was sent: I would scream at him on the phone; I would answer the phone and hang up; I would have the kids call him and disconnect the line; I would not answer the phone; I would send scathing emails; I tried to push every button. The option chosen depended on my mood and how much “fire” I had left in me on that particular day.
My waking thoughts were spent obsessing every detail of past events. What happened? What did she have that I didn’t have? How could he do this to me and the kids? It wasn’t fair! The darkness of the night was even crazier and more irrational. I reviewed our 25 years together and tried to identify discerning moments. I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was barely able to care for the kids, the dog and the house and be present at work. The experience zapped me of self-confidence and rocked my self-esteem.
We battled and attacked one another for years – yes, years. We finally called a truce and reached an agreement regarding the division of the marital assets and a parenting plan that worked for our family. I wasn’t 100% sold on either plan but it was something that we negotiated. At the settlement table, I was a driven business woman ready to equitably divide the business of our lives.
Ultimately, we got divorced.
It wasn’t easy to get to this place – emotionally. But a broken heart heals. A cluttered, disorganized brain reengages. I convinced myself I would survive, like so many before me and so many after me.
I took everything I learned from my divorce, combined it with my education and career experience and found the passion of my life. I launched my Divorce Coach practice five years after my divorce was finalized. I work with clients to navigate the legal process and the emotional rollercoaster. I empower my clients to engage in the business of divorce and not let the process or the system own them. I encourage clients to tap into their many strengths, to maintain a firm stance and to walk away with a stronger sense of self with a focus on the future.
I feel fortunate to have emerged from my divorce a stronger, more confident person who sees my life in the early innings of the game!
~Sheila Brennan, Divorce Coach
Things I never Thought I would do…
Today I had one of those moments where I realized my life was just a little off of center. I have had several of these in the past, but today’s moment was a big one. I was driving my 8 year old son to school this morning and we were discussing our plans for this evening. During the conversation, we both remembered that his Dad’s boyfriend had surgery yesterday. I had already called to check on him and knew it went well, but he will be in the hospital at least one more day. After a few minutes of conversation, we decided that we will stop for flowers and go visit him in the hospital. We both asked the 13 year old if he wanted to attend, but he reminded us both that he has football training tonight.
I don’t remember lots of my childhood memories, but I am pretty sure that I never once thought I would have an evening that involved visiting my ex-husband’s boyfriend in the hospital. Even with that said, I am good with it. The whole family feels better when we are all included.
I guess I should explain how I got here. I am 38 and live just outside of Atlanta, GA. I am married and have an 8 and 13 year old. We also have an 11 year old that lives with his Mom in AL. My ex-husband and his boyfriend live about an hour away. We are definitely a modern family in many ways. If you throw in the fact that I work full-time and my husband stays home with the boys, we definitely scale the bar of nontraditional family status.
I grew up in a small town in North Louisiana. During college I met a guy that was different from anyone else I had ever dated. Todd did not hunt or fish in his spare time. He enjoyed music and was handy around the house. For the most part, we liked the same things. We hit it off instantly and spent every day together for the 8 months we dated. Then in August of 1991, we stood in front of 150 of our friends and were married.
I have heard people all talk about where they were when certain things happened. When Kennedy was shot, when man landed on the moon, and 911. While I clearly remember 911, I have another day that sticks in my memory even more. It was in October of 2003. I was standing in the driveway outside of our North Louisiana home and was speaking with my husband. We had several conversations over the past couple of days that left me confused, and asking questions. Looking back, I am still not sure why I finally asked the question that changed my entire life. I looked at Todd and almost casually asked him if he was involved with another man. It was as if time stood still while he finally voiced to me what he desperately needed to say. Yes, he had been involved with some other men during our marriage.
Over the next few months we talked about almost nothing else. I was desperate to manage this situation. After all, I was happy. My life was exactly where I wanted it, and divorce was just not an option. We talked, we negotiated, and cried. Finally, in May of 2004, we told our families that we were divorcing. I still clearly remember every word that my mother said to me. She was completely stunned and said, “but we don’t get divorced.” You know she was right, and I had no clue what I was doing. Nobody else in my family was divorced and none of my friends either. Thinking back, I think that helped me immensely. I had no clue what was appropriate divorce etiquette.
I still loved Todd, I just could not stop thinking about it. I had tried and tried, but the knowing changed everything. He had confessed the secrets of his life. Todd trusted me and for the first time in his adult life, he had someone that he could speak to. The problem was that even as much as I loved him, I could not keep going.
We never got angry and we never hated each other the way many divorced people do. We just grieved together. Nobody else in the world understood what we were going through. Todd was not coming out of the closet and we could not talk to others about it. In an odd way, the secret also brought us closer. We were both grieving the loss of what should have been. I had married my best friend when I was young, and we wanted the same things out of life. I just did not have anger in me, only a sense of loss and sadness.
So how did we get from grief to acceptance? I genuinely think it was simply that we did not know any other way. Neither of us wanted bad things for the other, and we both wanted the best for our boys. We sat down and negotiated our property settlement on a yellow legal pad and agreed to a child support figure. He has paid every month without issue, and we share unusual expenses like braces for our oldest son.
During the divorce he asked me not to talk about his homosexuality. He was not ready to come out of the closet and desperately wanted to make sure that his mother never found out. He was raised in a Southern Baptist family and homosexuality was a sin. I kept it quiet for the most part, but I did tell my immediate family. When I finally got up the courage to tell my sister about the divorce, she immediately asked me if he was involved with another man. I was shocked, but later found out that my entire family had always suspected. I guess a lot of people suspected, except me.
So how did I miss it? The truth is that he is not the flamboyant type of gay man. He is more Neil Patrick Harris than Elton John. In hindsight, I can remember some things that should have triggered the thought, but I simply missed it. I was too busy living my life and paying attention to the kids and my career.
We only told our kids last year. Todd decided to tell our oldest son alone. I really was not ready, and probably never would have been. I wanted the boys to have the same childhood that I had. I can honestly say that I was wrong. They needed their childhood, and not mine. They also deserved honesty. The oldest child struggled for a few months. It was hard for him to think of his Dad in that way. He also finally had to give up on the idea that we would ever get back to being a nuclear family. I did not know until much later that he had held on to the hope that we would reconcile for years. His Dad also told him that his boyfriend was moving in with him. This was a huge change all at once.
I had dreaded this conversation for years. I had secretly hoped that it would be a relief for me, but it was not. I was simply afraid that they would not be OK. The struggle for the 12 year old, gave us a pause at telling the youngest. He was only 7 at the time, and we were all afraid that he would talk about it an inappropriate times. I was also afraid of the unknown.
With a huge sigh of relief, I can tell you that they are better than OK. They are good. We have raised caring boys that are active in sports and do all of the traditional types of things. Even to the point, that I am spending my evening visiting their Dad’s boyfriend in the hospital. Is it the right thing to do? Who knows, but it works for our family. My husband likes my ex-husband very much. We all respect each other and appreciate all of our need to take care of the kids. I have had a friend ask how do we all do it so well. I am not sure of the answer, but I think it is simply that we care about one another. All of us want the best for each other, and are willing to do what it takes. We have our funny moments (the guy at the Apple Store thought my husband and ex-husband were a couple when we were buying the oldest child a laptop) and our scary moments (yes we are raising a teenager that is currently a hormone with feet), but we all work together.
I will let you know how the hospital visit goes. My youngest child is wanting to play his recorder for Mr Jason. An 8 year old with a new recorder just has a good time written all over it.
http://susanfuhrmans.blogspot.com
Your story was very touching, moving. You speak to sadness and loss which is unusual in divorce. Often the emotions are expressed as anger and revenge. Is divorce easier when you label it as loss and sadness? I believe it might be when to sit down with the legal pad if you aren’t filled with rage.
I like your question very much. I am not sure of the answer though. I genuinely think my divorce was easier because I never really knew what was appropriate to feel. I just felt. I went through an entire range of emotions from sadness and disappointment to shame. In the end, I let go of all of that and just felt. I decided that if I just felt what was happening in the moment, I could keep moving. I had lived a long time in a web of trying to be who I thought I should be. I gave up all of that in the divorce. I stopped being anybody but me.
My ex-husband did the same. I think we are all happier as a result. I post occasionally on my blog in an effort to help people see the positive parts of this process. When you are so deeply focused on living one day at a time, it is hard to see that there is a positive part. I have found that we all focus on one central theme…our kids. That keeps us all going in the right direction. With that said, I have no room in my life for rage and anger. I love all of the men in my life, from my husband, to our boys, to my ex-husband. It took getting remarried for me to understand the different types of love that exist. It also showed me that I have room in my heart for all of it.
I Am A Triple Phoenix:
My divorce taught me that I am a triple phoenix. Maybe you’ve seen the ads for University of Phoenix or maybe you haven’t. I am one such alumna having graduated with my Masters of Business Administration in the middle of my divorce with a 3.6 GPA no less. This is the first level of Phoenix that I possess, the second is in my blood. My ancestors on my grandmother’s side survived the 4th largest shipwreck in Lake Michigan the name of the ship was The Phoenix. My great-grandfather used a wooden shoe to scoop water out of the life boat, how inspiring is that? The ship is burning out of the 400 immigrants aboard it only 40 would survive and there he is using a shoe to make sure the boat he’s in makes it to shore, his wife would also be a survivor who caught her infant sister in her lap after the child was thrown to her from the fire. These are people that rise again from ashes just like the mythical bird. I think it is this enduring spirit that led to the third and most significant level of Phoenix that I possess.
In 2007 I lost everything. My husband kicked me out of my house into a snow bank at 9pm. I had done nothing to warrant this and it was disturbing to put it mildly that the church, my family, and even our children turned against me. A family member of his took me home that night and I filed for divorce 2 weeks later hoping the courts would assist me in getting access to my children. Even my family of origin to this day back my ex. He turned everyone into his corner including the courts and eventually I realized this was a second occurrence of using a wooden shoe to scoop water out of a sinking life boat. I made a decision to watch the ashes burn and to rise again from the smoke.
I lost many friends for the courageous choice to file for divorce in the first place, many people told me that they couldn’t speak to me any longer. There was a terrible dark night of my soul that began that day. I didn’t let that stop me though, I found a new community in the Chabad house that was about a half hour drive. I found new friends, and finally I created an entirely new life for myself in New York.
My divorce was my rebirth, I needed to honor the death and grieve of course but then there was the beautiful, painful birth process where I had to struggle to decide who I am now that I am no longer the person I was before the divorce. I changed my name, my first name is the same but I did not take back my maiden name nor did I keep my married name. This was part of my forging a new identity. I decided to become a Relationship Coach to help others, and I even remarried. I live a fantastic life now and it is my mission to help others life their fantastic life. It is my mission to help people create a whole new world for themselves where their dreams are their reality. I did it, and you can too!
Rebecca Fein is the CEO/Founder/Owner of Fein Life Coaching. Rebecca’s coaching programs empower people to design their future, build their dreams, and lead the feinest life possible. Rebecca’s greatest joy is watching her clients manifest their dreams. When Rebecca is not coaching she can be found playing with the dog, reading a good book, or spending time with her husband. Rebecca can be contacted through her website at http://feinlife.webs.com . Visit http://www.feinlifecoaching.clickbook.net.
The Ringing of the Bell…
At home and alone one Sunday afternoon in November shortly after my husband moved out, I was enjoying the peace and quiet of some relaxing weekend time to myself when the doorbell rang. When I opened the door to see my husband standing before me, it finally occurred to me that we really were separated and heading for a divorce. My husband, who lived in this house several years until a few weeks ago, just rang the doorbell of our own home.
As I ponder all of the events that have transpired throughout the course of our twelve year marriage, I am actually surprised we made it this far as husband and wife. I am not, however, surprised we are still friends and enjoy each other’s company. Generally speaking, we have the same priorities in life. It’s just a bummer that marriage falls near the bottom of our priority lists.
The ubiquitous signs that our marriage was in trouble were there from the very beginning. Before we had children, both of us were entrenched in flourishing careers and without the need to discuss things, it was understood that our professional lives came first. It was a non-issue.
I could cite countless examples of the low priority we both placed on our relationship. I was recognized at a company event for being present the day after our wedding. Yes, I actually left town, the day after our wedding to attend a company sales meeting. We both agreed that we didn’t have time to take a honeymoon. Not surprising, we never made time for that honeymoon. Either my husband or I traveled at least half of the time we were married for one of many professional opportunities. We both happily accepted promotions and elevating career moves which drove us to move to 6 different cities and a dozen locations in 7 or 8 years. Needless to say, we lived out of storage units and boxes for the majority of the time we’ve been married.
Things changed drastically once we had our two children. While the kids always came (and will always come) first, we got smarter about managing our time and logistics such that, for the most part, we could both maintain a significant focus on our professional lives. Unfortunately for us, this meant we spent even less time together and lowered the priority on our relationship even further.
Many events have transpired between then and now which have led us to where we are today. Later today though, when my husband and children come home for dinner, as they usually do after having spent the weekend at his place, the doorbell will ring. I wonder what my husband will feel when he rings the bell of the home where he once lived. Nevertheless, with that ring, I will be reminded once again that my wakeup call came too late.
If you happen to be struggling in a relationship with your spouse or partner, consider for a moment what it would be like for them to ring your doorbell for Sunday dinner. Would you prefer them use their key?
I’m posting this on behalf of my friend Sherri Mills.
I Went on a Domestic Strike to Avoid Divorce
by Sherri Mills
I was married to a wonderful man who worked hard every day, played with the children, kept me laughing, and was the life of any party. He was also a super male chauvinist who did zero around the house. I was exhausted by my home and business workload, angry, bitter, and ready to give up.
Returning home from another long day at work and finding him on the couch again, I said to myself, “Is this it for the rest of my life? No way!”
I added one more chore to my overloaded schedule: taking a cue from my husband’s work environment, I wrote up a ten-page professional contract, and waited to go on a domestic strike.
The trigger day is forever imbedded in my mind. I had sent the children to the store for some dinner ingredients. They returned a half hour too late – with none of the right items. As I chastised them, my husband immediately jumped to their defense.
He said, “If it’s so important to get the exact thing, do it yourself instead of having the kids do your job.”
Anger zinged through my body. I left the mess that the half-finished dinner had splattered all over the kitchen and stated firmly, “Not only am I not going to the store, but as of this second, I am officially on strike and I don’t intend to do anything.”
I answered the question that his angry face and bewildered eyes were asking. “Everything is in a file down at the beauty salon (a business we had owned for 20 years). We don’t need to discuss it because all the answers to your questions are in that file.”
I think it was curiosity that made him drive to the shop to get the contract. When he came home, he was determined to prove (I discovered later) what an easy job I had, by doing it better than I did.
I glued myself to the couch, pretending to watch TV when my husband returned. The noise in the kitchen told me that he was busy fixing dinner. I was dumbstruck along with being a nervous wreck, waiting to see what happened next.
“Daddy said to come and eat,” my daughter said.
The kitchen was spotless and a beautiful dinner adorned the table (complete with a delicious desert).
I actually wanted to hug him. I knew I couldn’t. I had been there before; my husband had the personality that could charm the feathers right off a chicken. Inside I was trying to melt, but my head took charge. Walking back to the couch felt like walking a mile with cement in my shoes.
My strike lasted eight days and, by the end, my husband experienced for himself what an enormous job it was to work fulltime AND do everything at home all by himself. He didn’t crumble because I won and he lost. My compassionate husband was devastated by the load I had been carrying alone and wanted to make my life better.
It has been over 25 years and we share everything. The Salt Lake Tribune did a story on us. The editor said, “You seem like newlyweds.” We felt like newlyweds and still do.
Because of what we both learned, I wanted to help other couples achieve a similar balance. My book I Almost Divorced My Husband but I Went on Strike Instead will be published in June 2011.
That’s definitely one way to address a marital problem.
My divorce happened in September. 2000.
At that time of filing , I was a Canadian citizen living on a Green Card in Phoenix, AZ in the USA. My former husband, had taken out US citizenship by then.
We had an Arizona corporation for our consulting business. We shared the same lawyer, which in hindsight, was my first error, on not getting my own representation.
We had two children who were finishing colleges in the USA. I had decided to return to Toronto, Canada, my birthplace, to await the final divorce settlement; so I had to concentrate on dividing bank accounts, packing household items to be shipped north, and choosing where to live in Canada.
I shall never forget the first and only lawyer’s meeting with both of us present. Perhaps I was numb, and could not think clearly, but the lawyer was mature, experienced, and helpful.
One question stood out among all others asked by my former husband at that meeting. “My wife is expected to get a future inheritance from her parents, therefore I need to consider that in the financial settlement we reach. I wish to be fair.”
I was deeply hurt by that statement, and angry. But thank heavens, this lawyer had a good reply….his answer was ” That has nothing to do with this meeting. Those will be her funds.”
And then for the company funds, he told my ex-husband, “You, as CEO of the corporation, need to determine what contribution your wife has made to the company, and put a dollar figure to it.”
We were then given instructions as to who would be the initiator, and who would be the recipient, and how to divide our shared assets.
The pain came later, as well as the reality that the amount of my worth in the company’s history, was small, in my opinion. But it was too late to protest, once I had moved back to Canada, to await the final decree.
My 26 year marriage had ended in the desert of the southwest; very cut and dried.
Divorce is difficult, especially after 26 years of marriage. Welcome back to Canada. Best of luck with your new life.
This was novel. I wish I could read every post, but i have to go back to work now… But I’ll return.
I’m blown away! Your post has really made me sit back and ponder. I think I will tweet about your post.
TY!
Well where to I begin? I am a father of two beatiful children my daughter 2 years and my son 7 months. My divorce story begins in January of this year. My wife had been seemingly depressed for months prior and I would always ask if she was ok and if she was happy and she would always say she was just stressed but was ok. January 20th I went to work just like any other day, but by 9pm the police were there to arrest me. Six police officers showed up prepared for the fight they were told they would get, but as I am not who my wife says i am I cooperated. Within 5 minutes it was me and one officer.
I was taken to the courthouse to find out my wife had told them I pushed my daugter into a wall (you can imagine my shock) among other things like i threatened to kill everyone and whatnot. After i was explained the situation and the terms of the restraining order she requested (I had to surrender my guns and sword collection, I wasnt allowed to go to my own home {that she moved out of and did not return to and never planned to return to} or her parents home where she resided and couldnt not communicate or go around her or my daughter) I was taken to county jail for the night. My father bailed me out in the morning.
The first week my wife spent crying to my family that things went to far and she regretted it and she wished it would all go away. Then one day she changed ALL her phone numbers and ceased all communication with my family. Her parents (who have controlled her her whole life) told her to file for custody/support and that was what was best for the kids. Her parents have always hated me for whatever reason.
From there we started the back and forth of he did this and she did that. The problem is, everything she said was taken as fact (with ABSOLUTELY NO evidence) while my accusations were based on presentable facts they were thrown out and ignored. My wife has a long history of mental illness, has been in the psych ward, and has accused several family members of things i dont care to mention. Family members with which her and my children not reside.
The law guardian (who has never so much as said hello to me let alone spoken to me) is convinced it is best for the children to stay with their mother. The social worker, whose report says specifically there is no evidence to support any allegations against me, says it is best for them to stay with their mother. The system itself of course is biased against me simply because im the father.
The situation has spiraled farther out of control then i could ever have imagined. She complains constantly that she “got nothing” because i have the house and my cars… im sorry but the children are everything as far as im concerned. I am at a loss because it seems everyone has me backed in a corner. After months of fighting I have agreed with my lawyer that it is easier to just make peace and see where we can go outside of court. As im sure i will most definitely lose anyway i see no point in wasting our time and money. Im hoping that one day the bickering and backstabbing will cease and we can be around each other without the drama.
I have wanted nothing more than peace from the beginning. I plan to see to it that we become friends for the sake of the children i will not allow them to see us fighting. Whether or not she continues to spread lies and try to corrupt them against me is up to her, but as a child of a broken home i know the more you try to corrupt children against one parent, the more they resent you.
I wanted so much more for my children but as my therapist has repeatedly told me “This is a chance for you to do right what your parents didnt”. And i fully intend to make the best of this situation both for my wife and I and the children.
I appreciate any advice or comments you all may have.
Thank you for reading my story and I am touched by all of yours
Jason
FLORIDA: DIVORCE HEAVEN
Before you start rolling the wheels on your divorce, you need to understand that there is no place like Florida. Not just because of the tropical climate and beaches, but because no matter if you are needy or not you will always get alimony!
If a Dentist with an active healthy practice can get awarded more than $4,000.00 per month of permanent alimony, anybody can.
Although the Uniform Marriage and Divorce Act of 1971[UMDA] established that alimony should be awarded only to the needy and unable to support them self, the Florida Alimony Common Law has mutated thru the years that any Judge will award you alimony even if you don’t actually need it.
Thus, before you drop the bomb to your spouse, convince them to move to sunny Florida, Divorce Heaven!
Is getting a divorce a logical thing to do or an emotional burst?
This to me has always been an interesting question. What is even more interesting is the fact that in various cases the answer to this question is both . You can be emotionally frustrated and think that divorce would be the logical approach.
Most people when they get married do not even think twice about preparing for divorce as most people are very optimistic as they are getting married. This may be the right thing to do but you must honestly stay on top of whats going on in the field so you are ready just in case.
I saw someone put a story about fighting for their kids from the beginning and that is good advice. The same way you should be educating yourself on divorce the second you decide to get married. Better to be safe than sorry!